Thursday, November 24, 2005

i would never want to be young again

I was watching Rupert this morning - you know, the cute British bear with the yellow plaid scarf - and I thought to myself, this is a show that I will have my children watch. I could see myself with them, sitting on the carpet, one child so close to me that our knees are touching, and one curled up in my lap. I thought, maybe they wouldn't like it, but then I thought, they would watch it with me, and would love it just because it would be something we did together. I hate/love thoughts like these. Hate because the idea of having kids worries me and I'd rather think of it as something terrible that I would never want to have a part of. Love because... well... it would be a wonderful thing to be a mother.

I wonder how anyone ever knows for sure whether or not they are well-suited to be parents. It is such a difficult decision. Although, since I'd need a husband to have babies, and I can't even find a boyfriend, I suppose I won't be needing to worry about that decision for awhile yet.

Yesterday was Anne's last shift. It won't be the same without her. Now I won't have anyone to gossip with and buy me donuts! AND I'm never going to get to meet her cousin, now. Although, she did tell me something interesting yesterday. APPARENTLY, her cousin worked up the nerve to come in and see me last week and brought FLOWERS as an apology for not coming by that day he said he was going to. But, I wasn't there, so he just went home and threw the flowers away. Eek!

I suppose I should go get ready for work. Blah.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

finding love on the radio

I'm listening to The Bounce (although I am in absolutely no condition to move - let alone bounce - at the moment) and it is the old school lunch hour, or whatever. They're playing No Mercy right now (I used to LOVE that CD!) and some chick just called in to request C+C Music Factory (I STILL love that CD!). Woo hoo! Now they're playing that train song, you know, the "c'mon and train, and ride it" song? Quad City DJs! Yay for the radio.

An hour and a half ago I was supposed to be at an interview for a new job. What? you say. You were supposed to be at an interview? Yes, I was supposed to be. Unfortunately, I woke up with the WORST case of *censored* I have ever experienced in my entire life. Seriously, there was a couple of moments that I was absolutely 100% certain I was going to die. I'm still a little unsure. Since this is the second attempt at getting to this place for an interview, in as many days, I think I'm going to call it a wash and figure the fates have something else planned for me.

I should probably call in sick to work but I have this insane guilt complex that simply won't allow it. This guilt complex rules my life. I'd rather stay home and just rest and watch cartoons and listen to ABBA, but since I'm feeling a mite better, I no longer feel justified in taking the day off. Grrr.

Last night was Sarah Slean. In concert. Myer Horowitz. She is like porcelain perfection, her arms and hands such a pale white that when she would langour over the keys of her piano it was dificult to tell where the instrument ended and her fingers began. She is touring without a band, so it was just her and her piano and her beautiful, beautiful voice. Girl can sing, as Josh and I so sagely observed. When I was watching her perform, I kept trying to write about it in my head... tried to use new words to describe what I was seeing, but there are no words. Or, I'm just a really shitty writer.

Last CD I purchased: Gogol Bordello
Last movie I watched: It Should Happen to You (Jack Lemmon's first movie)
Last book I read: AHWOSG by Dave Eggers (in bits and pieces, blah) and Princess In Pink by Meg Cabot from front to back
Currently Reading: Feal the Fear and Do It Anyways
Currently in my CD Player: Queens of the Stoneage

5 Things I Want
Rebel Man
Damhnait Doyle's first cd
a new job
a good night's sleep

--> just a side note... is it common knowledge that Eddie Murphy has an actual SONG that he actually sang in, like, the 80's? because, seriously, I didn't know about it until today.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

him or her I shall follow

I think I am a livejournal-er in a blogger's skin... I wonder if I've broken the blogger 'code' with my inane dissecting of a late-bloomer's life. I think I'm supposed to be writing about politically things. At least, according to a new book on blogs that we received at my store.
Ah well.

Sometimes I act like so much of an idiot that I even amaze myself. Tonight was one of those times.

Why do I have to do be so stupid?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

tonight might be nothing but the moon and me

Hot off the press:

Umbilical (N.F.)

I live this life like I am without breath,
an astronaut, so far out of my depth.
The worst, this waiting for her collapse
beneath my footing; she’ll leave perhaps
in search of freshly sown scenery
(or more clever metaphors): a sea
of found space, unfettered, unfurled
as time, as memory. And the world
I know will follow wherever she’ll rear
wild with newness, forsaking me, a mere
afterthought sketched on the fading backdrop
of all her greens and autumns. Still, to stop
this worship is to cease myself. You see,
she is infinity, earth: mother to me.

our day will come, if we just wait awhile

low: weighed myself on Mom's new scale... very, very bad idea.
high: Katie, Rianne and Jacquelyn came into my store to say hi (!), and stayed and chatted for a little bit. I love these girls so much... it unsettles me when I think of how deeply I care for them. I would throw myself in front of a train to save their lives (not that being plowed down by a train is a very likely scenario, but you know what I mean). I said this to Lisa and all she asked was whether or not she gets the same treatment *lol* Ah Lisa.

I'm in a kind of bad place right now. I mean, I'm sort of fully functional and all, but I just find living really difficult. I'll be at work, and I'll be walking somewhere and all of a sudden I can't move any further. I just stop in place, and have to spend the next minute mustering the strength to simply keep going. I'm getting enough sleep, but I'm still always tired. I have no patience, no tolerance for other people. Lisa used one of my favourite words today: weary. I feel weary, wore down right to the bone.

On the plus side, I discovered that my mom's laptop plays DVDs! So, last Sunday, I laid in bed with my headphones plugged into the little jack on the front of the laptop and watched IQ, the romcom with Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins. It was actually SUPER cute, though it kind of does a weird thing abot 3/4 of the way through, and kind of goes downhill from there. Though, there is a great scene where the not-so-happy-at-this-point couple start wrestling in the middle of a field. Hee hee. Tim Robbins is freakin adorable.

Last book I read: Kiss Me Like a Stranger, by Gene Wilder (his memoir)... not so fond of him, anymore, actually.
Book I just started today: My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult... gonna be a heavy one.

And! Last but not least: what am I listening to right now? Jamie Cullum's new CD. Two thumbs up.