Wednesday, December 21, 2005

you stumble in my footsteps

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is selfish and grimly self-indulgent and contains nothing that even closely resembles Christmas spirit.

I was shopping with my brother yesterday, browsing in one of the hat stores (the one by the ice rink), when I happened to hear this song I totally loved but hadn't heard in a couple of years... I'd discovered it on a compilation borrowed from the library and decided it was perfectly suited to be my 'theme song'. I was so thrilled to hear it again, and made sure to get the name of the song, and where I could find it, from the girl working there. She was really cool looking, would totally be my type if I was into girls that way.

But, I'm not into any one any way. I've put a moratorium on feeling anything remotely romantic in nature. I am finished! Maybe not forever, but for awhile. The circumstances of this past week have forced me to confront the parts of myself that I've played at acknowledging, but have never fully faced. I am absolutely incapable of opening myself up to another individual. Absolutely incapable. There is something inside of me that has rotted my ability to pursue any sort of intimate attachment... I don't know what it is, I don't know where it began... but I can't blame my lack of love on the superficial any longer. I am the one with the problem, and boy is it a doozie. God, how did I get so fucked up?

I was floating around in myspace, flipping through profiles, when I came across one that had Depeche Mode playing on it. Naturally, I had to pull out my one DM album and am listening to it as I write. I dig the sound of this band. It's the kind of music playing as you're taking someone against the back wall of a badly-lit neighborhood bar. Yeah... I dig it.

I think tomorrow I'm going to... what? I don't know where I was going with that. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, maybe watch Rupert, eat something, maybe do some Christmas cards, have a shower, get dressed, maybe blow-dry my hair if I care enough to, examine my face in the mirror and wonder if today is the day I recognize the person there. I'm going to walk to the bus stop, catch whichever bus comes first and pray it isn't too busy because it stresses me out when the bus is full and there aren't enough seats. I'm going to go to work and try to be in a good mood, but will end up doing my job without a smile on my face because I don't have it in me, the energy for cheer, not even enough for faux friendliness. I'll feel guilty because it isn't the world's fault that I'm unhappy. And then, I'm going to maybe take the bus home, maybe get a ride with Lisa which I will be ever thankful for because my feet will be killing me, and then I will turn the computer on, change, check my email one more time, and then I will read something, eat something, wonder at the empty echo my insides make when I roll over in bed, and eventually, when my tiredness is weightier than the worries on my mind, go to sleep.

My manager Michael's brother died suddenly yesterday. What right do I have to this grief I feel when there are so many people suffering from agonies a thousand-fold greater than my own? I can't imagine losing my brother... not now, when we've grown so close. And there is nothing I can say to Michael that will ever make things better. "I'm sorry for your loss" means nothing.

I think, tonight, my wish will be for him and his family. For whatever that's worth.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

will we ever meet again?

I was floating around on the internet and I came across this livejournal site. If anyone needs a pleasure-burst of beauty, check it out.

still living with your goodbye

After the jazz concert held at my campus that Josh and I went to on the fifth, I've been questing for a good vocal recording of the song 'Misty'. I downloaded the only one they had on iTunes, done by Sarah Vaughn, but it wasn't what I'm looking for. BUT, in my search for the song, I found an artist named Misty, and I purchased two of her songs. She's got this funky, sort of jazz-twangy voice. I'm totally diggin' on her.

Last few weeks have been pretty busy. I can't wait until Christmas... both because I need those three days off, and because once Christmas is over, we can start cleaning up our wreck of a store. Last week, they had to put me on cash because it was so busy, and I think Karrie picked up on my irritation because she ended up bribing me... I'd been stashing this stuffed puppy dog in the back room, waiting to buy it when I got paid, and she ended up getting it for me. Which managed to make me feel incredibly guilty for my grumpiness of late. I just want to tell everyone: I don't LIKE being grumpy. I don't MEAN to be. I just hate my job some days, especially these days. I've already had to apologize to, like, two of my coworkers for being rude to them. I'm not a bad person! I swear! Argh.

I have to start gearing up for my Nan and my Auntie Carol's disappointment in me when they find out I'm not coming to my Uncle John's for Christmas. I know I should go. But, the idea of having the apartment to my self and being alone on the quietest day of the year... it's an appealing idea. It is times like these when I wish I had a boyfriend so that I'd at least have a real excuse for being a no-show. I have a feeling my family thinks I'm an aloof, snobby person, but really, I just feel so awkward around them it's painful, and I wish there was some way I could let them know that it isn't because of them. It's just that I can never think of anything to say, I feel totally inadequate and insecure... I just turn into this antisocial mess. Avoidance seems like the safest option.

It's about time for me to start my major culmination project for class. I think I am going to write about the road trip that Lorraine and I took up to my home town in 2004. There's a lot of stuff from the past and present that I could throw into it, so I'm confident I won't have trouble spewing out 4000 words. I am so happy with my mark on our first paper... I was very proud of the finished product, so I'm glad that I have instructor approval. I just wish I had more time to write, more time to focus on just creating things. I WAS working on an old(er) poem yesterday... two hours past in the blink of an eye. I'm stuck on it, though. Some is missing, and also, I'm without a title. SO, I've closed it up and I'm not looking at it for a couple of days. Hopefully a fresh eye will help pave over the rocky points.

And, because I think that is enough of playing ketchup for today, and because I have to be up at 5 in the morning, I'm going to end this post. I have much more to say, but not enough energy to say it. I hope for a good Monday tomorrow.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Walls. Caving. In.

I think today has been the moodiest of moody days in the newest episode of "My Life as a High School Student." Or, "My Life so Far." Or, "Life or Something Like it."

My day as a living manifestation of the emotional spectrum:

tired -- up at 5:30am does that to a body
surprised -- nice outside!
confused -- no bus
worried -- still no bus
irritated -- still no bus
elated -- the bus!
relieved -- made it to work with moments to spare... whew
exasperated -- I forgot my regift gift for work! dammit, brain.
disappointed -- romantic red herring discovered as the illusion that it is
bitter -- men suck and are clueless
confused -- what do I want?
chatty -- didn't shut up at the morning meeting
idle -- no customers for the first hour
thirsty -- time for Starbucks. yum.
annoyed -- stinkin' customers start rolling in
frenzied -- eek! they're EVERYWHERE
clever -- I found a hiding spot ;)
hungry -- time for lunch!
happy -- Jo has his break same time as me
giggly -- Jill's in today and she always makes me laugh
intrigued -- cute curly-haired boy in sweater gives me a great smile
talkative -- talking to everyone! Jill, Jo, Megan, Christie, Cherith, Tracy, Kris, Angie, Catherine, Karrie, Lisa
excited -- Cherith got asked out by a random male customer!
jealous -- I want to be asked out by a random male customer!
amused -- Cherith failed to get the NAME of the random male customer
antsy -- is this day done yet?
pleased -- Josh called
exhausted -- I think I've lost a toe or two
ecstatic -- time to go home!
uncomfortable -- stinky people on the bus sitting too close to me
prejudiced -- having non-politically correct thoughts about the stinky people, and the man kicking my seat
guilty -- thanks to prejudiced thoughts
annoyed -- stupid man kicked me in the leg (accidentally, but still)
disgusted -- mother already tipsy at 4pm
lazy -- just want to lay in bed and eat cheese
moved -- watched Good Will Hunting and re-realized what a brilliant movie it is
gooey -- Will and Skylar are so good together!
teary -- who doesn't cry when Will starts crying in that one scene with Robin Williams?
brain dead -- have spent hours in front of the computer on myspace reading people's profiles
frustrated -- drunk mother did not plug in answering machine... missed call from Jeremy
pissed off -- drunk mother playing music very loudly in room next to mine
nervous -- have to tell drunk mother to turn music down, get snapped at
angry -- WHY WHY WHY
desperate -- must get out and away... far far away
trapped -- but I have no where to go
sad -- is this as good as it gets?
warm and fuzzy -- thank god for my cat and her beautiful, beautiful egypt-queen face