Friday, June 02, 2006

Considering a New Career...

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails
"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate youYou let me penetrate you, you let me complicate youHelp me I broke apart my insides, help me I?ve got noSoul to tell"
When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Like a Stone

Just waiting for my rice to cook... what a strange thing to have a yen for at eight o'clock at night. Another odd bit to add on to the pile of odd bits that has been growing over the last ten or so days. This last week has not been a good one, but it hasn't been the usual sort of bad one, either. I feel like a huge pinata filled with distressing thoughts was beaten open over top my head, and I've been fighting to see through the ugly little pieces raining all on my parade. And when I say distressing thoughts, I mean it. I have never felt quite so alone before, so despairing. I thought spring was supposed to be the season of hope and those tingling pleasing burgeoning possibilities. Instead, everything is in question. Everything. And, there is no one that can help me figure it all out. Which really, really sucks.

Visited Mom with my aunt and uncle today. The whole time we were talking my leg was shaking under the table, you know, that nervous jittering that highly-caffeinated people are usually subject to. First time I've ever had that happen. But, it was a weird situation, I guess. The cafeteria guy was cutting up these huge roasts for the Sunday night dinner, and every new roast he processed, he'd slice off the little end and pop it into his mouth. Made me really want to yell out, hey, toss a piece of that cow over this way. Yum.

Mmm, speaking of food, I think my rice is ready. A small delight.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

An Apple a Day

What a beautiful day, today. I walked up to the mall with mom to have coffee with my nan, then walked to school from there. It's too nice to take the bus, too nice not to enjoy the outside. I mean, you never know when the next ten inches of snow is going to fall, so you'd best take advantage of what you can, when you can.

Life is alright. I really can't complain. There are a few things I want, little things, big things. I'm sad that the school year is nearly done. I am going to miss being a student. But, I'm going to glad to have the opportunity to really begin a job search, maybe find something that pays a little more so that I can move into my own apartment (yay!). The family is doing pretty well. My mom is doing a lot better, and things seem to be 'so far so good'. I feel pretty full today, full of things, full of -well, I don't want to say peace- a sort of ease, I guess. For lack of a better word. I'm going out dancing on Saturday. Lorraine's coming into town soon. Jo's birthday celebration is coming up. My fiddle lessons are going really great. There's just one thing missing that is always on my mind and that I just can't seem to shake the longing for.

Oh, how I would like him.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

it's all how you use it

Back by popular demand...

SO, I haven't written in this here blog in quite awhile (as has been brought to my attention a few times). Back in January, I decided that I only wanted to write happy thoughts, but every time I sat down to post something new, I had only sad things on the mind. Which goes for right now, too, but I am going to do my best to make this entry something other then morbidly depressing. If I succeed in this endeavour, you have Pink to thank for it, for she is, of late, one of the few things that makes me happy.

I'm sitting in my brother's room, which is not where I want to be (I'd rather be laying in my bed under the covers) but the wireless isn't working well, so I have to remain attached to the modem. Looking around, I see that he's cleaned up, vacuumed, scented with air freshener. This is rare, and has me speculating... My brother has also been quite concerned with what hours I'm working tomorrow (until 10). I wonder if he's planning a little "get together" with his friend-with-benefits. He'd better pray that he's done before I get home, because if he's not I will break down his door and humiliate him thoroughly -- and not in the joking, ha-ha way of a teasing older sister. I kind of hate my brother at the moment, and would most certainly derive pleasure from his discomfort.

Asia, my cat, is sitting and looking up at me expectantly. She LOVES to play with those plastic rings that come around the mouth of jugs of milk, and will put it right by my foot and sit there with her eyes trained on it until I throw the damn piece of plastic SOMEWHERE so that she can experience the thrill of the chase that has been so long lost to the domesticated feline. I do love looking at her, though. Only people who have had cats can really understand what it's like to love one, and how someone can love a cat so much that they'll throw stupid little rings of plastic down the hall for it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Like Goddess Light

I have to be up early tomorrow, which is why I'm still floating around on the internet at ten after eleven. I'm listening to Sarah Slean, which seems like a small statement when it's sent out into the void, but feels like it should be a part of scripture for all that it means to me. I've determined that I DO have a favourite song, "My Invitation." You know when something makes you want to cry, but you can't, because you suddenly find it impossible to breathe? But then, when it's over, you let out a sound that is difficult to describe, but full of everything you've been holding in? That's what this song does to me.

"She has such an awful lot of soldiers
quite a lovely army all her own
night and day they stand before the fortress
very safe, but very all alone"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

you stumble in my footsteps

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is selfish and grimly self-indulgent and contains nothing that even closely resembles Christmas spirit.

I was shopping with my brother yesterday, browsing in one of the hat stores (the one by the ice rink), when I happened to hear this song I totally loved but hadn't heard in a couple of years... I'd discovered it on a compilation borrowed from the library and decided it was perfectly suited to be my 'theme song'. I was so thrilled to hear it again, and made sure to get the name of the song, and where I could find it, from the girl working there. She was really cool looking, would totally be my type if I was into girls that way.

But, I'm not into any one any way. I've put a moratorium on feeling anything remotely romantic in nature. I am finished! Maybe not forever, but for awhile. The circumstances of this past week have forced me to confront the parts of myself that I've played at acknowledging, but have never fully faced. I am absolutely incapable of opening myself up to another individual. Absolutely incapable. There is something inside of me that has rotted my ability to pursue any sort of intimate attachment... I don't know what it is, I don't know where it began... but I can't blame my lack of love on the superficial any longer. I am the one with the problem, and boy is it a doozie. God, how did I get so fucked up?

I was floating around in myspace, flipping through profiles, when I came across one that had Depeche Mode playing on it. Naturally, I had to pull out my one DM album and am listening to it as I write. I dig the sound of this band. It's the kind of music playing as you're taking someone against the back wall of a badly-lit neighborhood bar. Yeah... I dig it.

I think tomorrow I'm going to... what? I don't know where I was going with that. Tomorrow I'm going to get up, maybe watch Rupert, eat something, maybe do some Christmas cards, have a shower, get dressed, maybe blow-dry my hair if I care enough to, examine my face in the mirror and wonder if today is the day I recognize the person there. I'm going to walk to the bus stop, catch whichever bus comes first and pray it isn't too busy because it stresses me out when the bus is full and there aren't enough seats. I'm going to go to work and try to be in a good mood, but will end up doing my job without a smile on my face because I don't have it in me, the energy for cheer, not even enough for faux friendliness. I'll feel guilty because it isn't the world's fault that I'm unhappy. And then, I'm going to maybe take the bus home, maybe get a ride with Lisa which I will be ever thankful for because my feet will be killing me, and then I will turn the computer on, change, check my email one more time, and then I will read something, eat something, wonder at the empty echo my insides make when I roll over in bed, and eventually, when my tiredness is weightier than the worries on my mind, go to sleep.

My manager Michael's brother died suddenly yesterday. What right do I have to this grief I feel when there are so many people suffering from agonies a thousand-fold greater than my own? I can't imagine losing my brother... not now, when we've grown so close. And there is nothing I can say to Michael that will ever make things better. "I'm sorry for your loss" means nothing.

I think, tonight, my wish will be for him and his family. For whatever that's worth.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

will we ever meet again?

I was floating around on the internet and I came across this livejournal site. If anyone needs a pleasure-burst of beauty, check it out.

still living with your goodbye

After the jazz concert held at my campus that Josh and I went to on the fifth, I've been questing for a good vocal recording of the song 'Misty'. I downloaded the only one they had on iTunes, done by Sarah Vaughn, but it wasn't what I'm looking for. BUT, in my search for the song, I found an artist named Misty, and I purchased two of her songs. She's got this funky, sort of jazz-twangy voice. I'm totally diggin' on her.

Last few weeks have been pretty busy. I can't wait until Christmas... both because I need those three days off, and because once Christmas is over, we can start cleaning up our wreck of a store. Last week, they had to put me on cash because it was so busy, and I think Karrie picked up on my irritation because she ended up bribing me... I'd been stashing this stuffed puppy dog in the back room, waiting to buy it when I got paid, and she ended up getting it for me. Which managed to make me feel incredibly guilty for my grumpiness of late. I just want to tell everyone: I don't LIKE being grumpy. I don't MEAN to be. I just hate my job some days, especially these days. I've already had to apologize to, like, two of my coworkers for being rude to them. I'm not a bad person! I swear! Argh.

I have to start gearing up for my Nan and my Auntie Carol's disappointment in me when they find out I'm not coming to my Uncle John's for Christmas. I know I should go. But, the idea of having the apartment to my self and being alone on the quietest day of the year... it's an appealing idea. It is times like these when I wish I had a boyfriend so that I'd at least have a real excuse for being a no-show. I have a feeling my family thinks I'm an aloof, snobby person, but really, I just feel so awkward around them it's painful, and I wish there was some way I could let them know that it isn't because of them. It's just that I can never think of anything to say, I feel totally inadequate and insecure... I just turn into this antisocial mess. Avoidance seems like the safest option.

It's about time for me to start my major culmination project for class. I think I am going to write about the road trip that Lorraine and I took up to my home town in 2004. There's a lot of stuff from the past and present that I could throw into it, so I'm confident I won't have trouble spewing out 4000 words. I am so happy with my mark on our first paper... I was very proud of the finished product, so I'm glad that I have instructor approval. I just wish I had more time to write, more time to focus on just creating things. I WAS working on an old(er) poem yesterday... two hours past in the blink of an eye. I'm stuck on it, though. Some is missing, and also, I'm without a title. SO, I've closed it up and I'm not looking at it for a couple of days. Hopefully a fresh eye will help pave over the rocky points.

And, because I think that is enough of playing ketchup for today, and because I have to be up at 5 in the morning, I'm going to end this post. I have much more to say, but not enough energy to say it. I hope for a good Monday tomorrow.