She Journeys

and we're naked and alive

Josh and I went to Mike's memorial service on Monday. Which feels really weird to say... I should be writing that Josh and I hung out with Mike on Monday, went bowling, had pizza, rented a movie and went back to Josh and Chris' place and just chilled with a bag of chips. We shouldn't have been going to a memorial service. We shouldn't have been mourning such a terrible wretched waste of such a wonderful life. Josh and I almost didn't go... I called him first thing in the morning and just burst into tears; I didn't think I'd be able to handle it, and totally felt better when Josh said the same thing. But, we went -- I think we both felt it was the least we could do. The service was held at an Anglican church on the west end. We got there quite early, and had the opportunity to talk a bit with Mike's parents, who were both amazingly calm. They told us that Mike had been diagnosed with schizophrenia about four years before, and that for the last two he had been a totally different person than who we had known, and who they had known their son to be. His dad told us that Mike had even tried to take his own life before. The reverend, during the service, talked about his meetings with Mike during the last few months, and said that Mike was one of the loneliest young men, that it was a miracle Mike kept on living as long as he did, with the amount of difficulty and misery each day forced him to deal with. That it was the disease that killed him, not the real Mike.

I don't know if what they said makes his death easier to deal with, or harder.

We chose our seats, and looked at the little booklet thingie they had given us when we entered the church. It had Mike's picture on the front, and I think it was at that moment that it really sunk in. Looking at this picture, at his face...

I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I felt like such an intruder at the service, like I didn't belong there. I probably only encountered Mike a couple of handfuls of times. Yet, every time I think about him, I start crying again. I don't understand it. My heart just keeps on breaking.

And to change the subject, other things in my life worth mentioning:

1. I read a book last night called May Bird and the Ever After. It's a children's book, and an incredibly interesting one at that. Very macabre, very dark... it stared getting so creepy that I actually had to put it down and read something else so that I'd be able to get to sleep! I would highly recommend it to anyone who likes spooky adventure stories with very imaginative little girls, ghosts both intriguing and terrifying, and nearly-hairless cats named Somber Kitty.
2. Lorraine is in town -- we're going out Saturday night. I hope Red Robin's will be featured, and that Stephanie comes with us.
3. Lisa is leaving for her vacation on Sunday... I need to remember to call her and wish her a happy trip :) I hope she remains faithful to her beau (as not-my-type as he may be), but that she does meet Nate, so she can realize what a wanker he is, and maybe even tell him so. But, I do hope she has a great time, and that the sun shines bright for her and Brandy.
4. Tomorrow is Steve's birthday. I KNOW he'll have a good one.
5. I've been thinking of ideas for my major Creative Non-fiction project. The two major ones I'm toying with: a) volunteering somewhere (ie. woman's shelter) and writing about my experiences, or b) visiting various religions, attending services, that sort of thing, and writing about my experiences. I'm sort of leaning towards 'b', since I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, even going so far as to call the St.Matthias Anglican Church to see what time the services are on Sunday (why?) I was thinking I could try a few different religions and compare the responses I get from the different sects, and my impressions.
6. Rianne invited me to her hooker party on Sunday! I'm so excited... but it's not the kind of hooking you think it is ;)

Life is so confusing. Things happen, bad things, and yet the world keeps moving, people go about their business. All keeps on. There are so many good things, so much random happiness and beauty in so many little moments, and then there is so much grief. How do you juxtapose the two, let them both share space in your soul?

posted by TriptychChick @ 12:47 AM