She Journeys

We used to leave the blue lights on

Listening to the Metric album, which I just purchased today. Okay, I'll admit I pretty much keep listening to the songs that I already know and love (mmm Dead Disco). But don't think less of me.

Yesterday was a pretty sweet day. I had class, which is always fun. I love seeing my peeps (tee hee), especially since I only get to once a week. I'm such a chatterbox, though. Blah blah bla-bla. The lengths I'll go to just to make them laugh! It's kinda sad. We had to do our first in-class writing assignment, which I think I will include here because it alludes to another part of my day:

I saw Rebel Man in the hallway today. Wearing his black
long-sleeved Slayer concert shirt, he slipped out of his classroom ad passed
right by the locker where the three of us girls were standing. I wondered
if he was on his way outside for a smoke, and then I wondered why I cared.
I shook it off, hurrying down the hall and catching up with my friends by the
staircase. They were laughing at me, at my foolish self, and I found
myself laughing, too. How could I fall for someone who listens to
Slayer?

He looked so good. I have yet to find someone who thinks he is as appealing as I think he is, and while that doesn't bother me, it would be nice to have someone "get" it. I think I come across to most people as this totally extroverted chatty-cathy happy-go-lucky person, but I'm not. I'm so tightly reined in so much of the time, always questioning, second-guessing, critiquing, criticizing myself, my thoughts, my opinions. I want to meet someone who is outside what I am inside, so that I have a place where I can finally be the insane, wildly passionate woman I know I am. And, Rebel Man looks like the kind of guy who would bring out all those severely supressed parts of me. He walks, not like he owns the place, but like he belongs there, with his cool half-smile that he only pulls out every once in awhile, and his long long dark hair. He plays music -- music music music -- and I bet when he plays he loses himself inside of it, the way I do when I listen to my favourite songs. So devil-may-care.

Josh met me after class and we bussed it uptown to Kent's very very very cool condo. It was a good night. Good food, good laughs, good conversation. I'm glad I finally got to see them two of them really together... makes me think of this line from Bridget Jones' Diary which I can't remember and am too lazy to look up, but basically translates into '"I got the warm fuzzies". It was also the perfect time to look through our New York pictures... I've sort of fallen into the place where the entire trip seems so surreal I find it hard to believe it actually happened. It was nice to have the chance to laugh about and re-remember our totally amazing experiences. I'm surprised at how intense my desire is to go back... usually my connections aren't to places so much as people. Yet ANOTHER reason to move to Cape Breton Island... I'll be that much closer to New York City. Ahhh... pipe dreams.

S and I were talking the other day about how badly we just want to get out of -> here <-. I love Edmonton, I do. It's the only city I've ever been in where I can imagine raising a family. But there are too many uncomfortable memories here. I am tired of seeing the same people, taking the same busses to the same places to do the same things, day after day after day after day. I'm starting to feel that awkward inferiority when faced with my far more productive peers, people I come across from my younger years who are so obviously in a more successful place then I am. Even my crushes, my attractions, are old, tethered to the past. The sensible part of me (small as it is) reminds me that physical distance does nothing to sever one from the burdens of the past. But, mightn't it help, even a little?

posted by TriptychChick @ 9:21 PM